Show Not Tell Examples (20 Swaps) for Year 5 and 11+

Quick diagnosis: which telling lines should you fix first?

Start by fixing lines that name a feeling without showing any action. These are usually the fastest quality gains for Year 5 writers.

Do not mark everything. Pick two or three weak lines and coach those well. If you want a broader review routine first, use this parent marking guide. For full-topic support, keep the 11+ creative writing hub open alongside this page.

20 show-not-tell swaps you can use this week

Use these as models, not scripts to memorise. Encourage your child to keep the same meaning while changing the detail.

Emotion swaps

• Tell: I was scared. Show: My fingers slipped off the door handle, and I wiped my hand on my jumper before trying again.
• Tell: She was angry. Show: She shoved the chair back so hard it scraped across the floor.
• Tell: He was embarrassed. Show: He stared at his shoes and answered so quietly that only I heard him.
• Tell: I was excited. Show: I read the message twice, grinning before I even finished the last line.
• Tell: They were worried. Show: They kept glancing at the clock and speaking in half-sentences.

Setting swaps

• Tell: It was a creepy corridor. Show: The corridor lights buzzed, and every classroom door stood slightly open.
• Tell: The garden was peaceful. Show: Only the fountain moved, and even the pigeons stayed still on the fence.
• Tell: The room was messy. Show: Exercise books slid off the desk, and socks hung from the lamp shade.
• Tell: The street was noisy. Show: Buses hissed at the kerb while two market traders shouted over each other.
• Tell: It was a cold morning. Show: My breath clouded the air as I waited for the gate to open.

Action and tension swaps

• Tell: He ran quickly. Show: He took the stairs two at a time and nearly missed the final step.
• Tell: She moved carefully. Show: She pressed one hand against the wall and tested each floorboard before stepping.
• Tell: I opened the letter nervously. Show: I slid a thumb under the flap, stopped, then tore it open in one pull.
• Tell: The noise scared us. Show: The bang echoed down the hall, and all three of us froze mid-sentence.
• Tell: It was hard to breathe. Show: Each breath came short and sharp, as if the air had shrunk around me.

Dialogue and reaction swaps

• Tell: Dad sounded worried. Show: "Stay where you are," Dad said, already reaching for his keys.
• Tell: She answered rudely. Show: "Ask someone else," she snapped, without looking up.
• Tell: He was surprised. Show: "Wait... what?" he said, blinking at the screen.
• Tell: They were relieved. Show: "Thank goodness," Mum said, dropping her shoulders for the first time all evening.
• Tell: I felt confident. Show: "I know what to do," I said, and this time my voice stayed steady.

For more side-by-side writing models, use 11+ creative writing examples with parent commentary and this annotated fear paragraph.

A 3-step coaching routine that works at home

1. Choose one paragraph: avoid whole-story rewrites.
2. Mark three telling lines: usually feeling or setting lines.
3. Replace only two lines first: read aloud, then decide if a third swap helps.

This routine pairs well with a low-stress weekly writing routine so progress does not depend on long sessions.

Worked example: from flat telling to stronger detail

This Year 5 corridor scene keeps the same story idea but improves image and tension.

Compare this with the suspense annotated example to see how detail and pacing work together.

Practice task: the 15-minute Swap Hunt

Use this task once a week after a normal writing prompt.

1. 2 minutes: child highlights five telling lines in their own draft.
2. 6 minutes: choose three lines and rewrite them using action, reaction, or sensory detail.
3. 5 minutes: read both versions aloud and keep the better line each time.
4. 2 minutes: parent sets one target for next week (for example, "show fear through movement").

Need fresh prompts for this drill? Use mystery prompts or the Year 5 writing hub.

FAQs for parents and tutors